Gastrointestinal journeys, wtf, makeup praise, and other nonsense

Welcome back to another episode of nonsense brought to you by none other than ME!

On today’s show (have been thinking about making a YouTube channel to add to this blog…too much too soon?), I would like to vocalize my (not so) secret personal journey with my gastrointestinal track and how this will always make me laugh (because I’m 5), the incident yesterday at the GOP baseball practice, praise some makeup products that have proven the test of time (ME), and a random encounter I had this morning.

So without further ado…..let’s get started!

***WARNING: THIS BLOG IS UNINTENTIONALLY LONG. SORRY NOT SORRY***

  1. Farting and pooping is funny, get over it-Yes I said it. It’s funny, always has been and always will be. There’s a reason cartoons, TV shows, and movies STILL use this natural bodily function as a source of humor–BECAUSE IT’S FREAKIN HILARIOUS! Now, if you have explosive diarrhea that’s not funny (OK it actually is a little) because sure it can be dangerous and sure it’s no fun going through it. However, it’s an even weirder act of pooping that somehow is the King/Queen of all poops. Think about it, what other type/form of pooping is funnier? There isn’t one. Diarrhea takes the crown on this one. (Yes, I pictured a diarrhea blob accepting an award for “Funniest form of Poop” and yes, it was also funny).

    With all that said, no I’m not about to tell you I had diarrhea (although my cat certainly did and that was fun O_o), I’m here to shed light on a topic that still is seen as a nasty thing to talk about, especially for women/girls (that annoys me so much). Look world, we’re not “pretty little princesses” that spew glitter and rainbows out of our asses (especially me….I DEFINITELY don’t spew glitter or rainbows….quite the opposite actually. You’re welcome for that visual by the way).

    The fact that this stupid stereotype still exists and is still being reinforced through media, toys, and society drives me nuts. You know what WOULD be gross? If women/girls DIDN’T fart or poop! Why? Because we’d be dead. You’d be lovin’ on dead corpses. THAT’S gross! Imagine trying to be around your “pretty princess” who doesn’t fart or poop….she most DEFINITELY will NOT smell like a princess….more like the rotten stench of rigor mortis. Cute, huh? Yeah, didn’t think so. So, the next time you hear a woman/girl fart or poop or even talk about it…..slow your roll and laugh with them or even better, stop being a douche bag and act like an adult!

    Personally, I will ALWAYS find farting and pooping to be funny and I will continue to talk about it if I want. If that bothers you, so does your face in my presence. Judge yourself accordingly. Let’s encourage and support our fellow girlfriends, friends, partners, wives, mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers to not only feel comfortable performing a NORMAL bodily function, but if they want to talk about it, it shouldn’t bother you. If it does, there’s something actually wrong with YOU.

  2. GOP baseball practice shooting–Now anyone who knows me knows that I despise most if not all Republicans in DC (or in general). However, committing a heinous crime such as attempting to take the lives of said Reps is seriously INSANE! I’m sure there’s not many who would argue that but really people how is this helping “the cause”? If anything this is HURTING the “image” that those on the Left already have to debunk and defend daily and now we also have to try and explain how although we clearly think the Right is off their rocker on 99.9% of their arguments; to use that as an excuse to KILL someone is obviously (as I already stated) insane! Violence doesn’t solve violence. We should all know this already. Wars are not the answer to most foreign affairs and anytime you have a “war” on a particular group of people, there will ALWAYS be a defense from that side trying to defend their POV. It’s natural. It makes sense.

    Sure, you can’t talk to all groups of people like civilized human beings, but this extreme increase in violent rhetoric and hate against seemingly every group of people needs to chill the fuck out. I didn’t live in the 60’s but I read a lot of history and watched a lot of movies that this shit NOW is starting to (if it hasn’t already) mirror the violence of that era (if not getting worse). Most would argue that it is worse because of technology allowing more access to groups of people than in the past and I agree with that. However, we can’t just point the finger at technology and continue on our ways. We created this technology that is now biting us in the ass. I think as a society we’ve become so detached from one another (because of the ease of being ” a part” of something when you’re actually at home siting in front of your computer), that when we hear of a shooting, attack, fight, murder, etc. we don’t really get it. We don’t really FEEL it. Unless it happens to us personally and that’s the root of most of our problems: selfishness. Sure it’s a human condition to keep yourself safe, but being a species of community is actually what we as humans were evolved to be! It’s considered a disorder (per DSM 5) to be anti-social and secluded from the world. Yet, we do this everyday and because we “like” a post or picture, we think we’re active and engaging with one another. Don’t be so delusional.

    At the end of the day, we all breathe the same air and need the same things to function and live. Just because I don’t agree with you politically or morally doesn’t mean I think you should die. We just may not be friends and that’s OK! This isn’t a fuckin contest! Although Facebook and Instagram may make you think and feel otherwise, we need to be more involved with each other OUTSIDE our virtual worlds. I grew up in the 90’s and I can say that I miss the times when I went over my friends’ houses randomly and we WENT somewhere around the neighborhood. We bonded. We talked. We explored shit we most likely would get in trouble for doing. But we fuckin DID shit. We connected. And that’s what we’re missing today. A real personal meaningful connection.

  3. Hello, my name is Ashley and I have a makeup problem–Yes, I have a problem with buying, trying, exploring, and wearing makeup. I’ve been wearing makeup in some form regularly since about 12/13–thanks societal beauty myths! I of course morphed my looks (rather drastically I must say) through the years but I’ve also learned about the RIGHT way to apply makeup and the RIGHT types of makeup for my skin tone and skin type.
                                                                                               
                                                          
    “Oh please Ashley, you’re white. You can find your shade anywhere!” True. Sort of. Yes, I’m white to the regular person but I have Italian blood running through me, which causes me to actually be more of a medium shade of white with yellow or olive undertones. This undertone color is actually rather difficult to find in most shades of foundation, which is why there are many pics of me wearing the WRONG shade of foundation. Most foundations have pink undertones and that does NOT fit me at all (for those that knew me in my early 20’s can contest to this fact).

    I also have HUGE pores, combination dry skin and early signs of aging. So I can’t just throw on any old moisturizer, primer, foundation or the like. Trust me, I’ve tried to just do what everyone else is and I looked like a jackass. Lesson learned. So, with that said, I would like to praise a few products/brands that I have been using for years and have proven to really be the best at solving my personal skin issues.

    Favorite moisturizer: it’s a tie between Dr. Gross’s Hyaluronic Moisture gel
    and a product introduced to me by my friend (and hairdresser) Cristie that sung its praise: Mizon All in One Snail Repair Cream

    Honestly, they both do wonders to my skin and neither dries my skin our nor leaves my skin oily. The Dr. Gross gel is more expensive but you don’t need much at all and I found that my container lasted me nearly 2-3 months. The ONLY thing with this gel is that if you put too much on it does get sticky and it can mess up your makeup process. On the other hand, the snail cream leaves my skin soft and smooth. Doesn’t dry my skin out nor makes it oily–which is very important living in the oven of the United States. The snail cream is much less expensive but does come from Korea so you are looking at possible longer delivery times–FYI. If I were to buy another again, I would probably buy the snail cream again because of the cost and how it makes my skin feel afterwards. It is notable to say that both moisturizers dry quickly (unless you over do it with the Dr. Gross gel) so I use it daily as part of my morning face prep.

    Favorite foundation: I have many for different reasons but I will say that again, it’s a tie between IT Cosmetics’ Your Skin But Better CC Cream with SPF 50 (I used medium) and Tarte Cosmetics Amazonian Clay 12 Hour Full Coverage foundation (I use shade Light Medium Sand)

    Both give full coverage and long lasting. Neither sweats off in the blazing hot humid air of the Inferno and neither causes any breakouts or skin irritations. IT Cosmetics foundation is slightly cheaper and I’ve only been able to find it on Amazon and Ulta (or their site of course). Tarte foundation is a bit thicker and slightly heavier and more expensive of the two but you can pretty much find it at any high end cosmetic store (Amazon, Ulta, Sephora, and their site also). I’ve used both on and off now for a while and I find that they work very similar to each other. You don’t need much to cover and they both last all day and night even without much if any touch ups. I will say that the IT Cosmetic foundation is limited in shades and that could be a deal breaker for most whereas Tarte has a lot of shades and combination of shades (although not all are available in stores). With all that said, if I were to place my vote on only one right now I would say Tarte because the color is closest to my complexion and I prefer the feel of it on my skin.

    Favorite eyebrow pencil/powder: Now I’ve been doing my eyebrows for years and years and years because I was super awesome and smart when I was in high school and though “Hey! I know! I’ll shave my eyebrows off and draw them on FOREVER!WOOHOO! Well needless to say that was the DUMBEST thing I’ve done and I’ve dated some real mistakes. See above for illustrations. So I’ve tried to grow them back and nope only little lines of reminders that I was stupid. I even went to have permanent makeup done on my brows and I loved that because it cut my makeup routine down by easy 15 mins….but like anything you get permanent on your body….it needs upkeep and that got expensive ($200 for each touch up) especially since the pigment faded fast as again, the Inferno assisted in that as well. So, even though I currently have very faded gray-ish figures on my face that do resemble brows, they’re not dark enough to match my hair/complexion and thus I have to draw my eyebrows on everyday. (I am thinking about microblading though….).

    So with my struggle to find the right pencil that won’t disappear in the heat and the right powder/gel combo that will actually adhere to my face–I FINALLY found something that I’ve used for years. Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz in Auburn
    You can find this at Sephora or Ulta but honestly you can probably get it cheaper on Amazon. I paid around $25 at Sephora/Ulta to reference. This pencil is great for precision and long lasting! Doesn’t last me long because I use it daily (about a month). If you are not good at drawing arches or angles you may find this pencil difficult as there is no pre-existing angle on the tip (although ABH does make up for this with other pencils/gels that have angled brushes or tips). This is also one of the only brands that has the COLOR that I need for my complexion and hair color. I’m a non-natural red head (and I mean BRIGHT red/orange, think fire) so brown doesn’t always work. The only other brand that comes close to the color (in the red department) is Revlon’s Colorstay Brow Pencil

    In conjunction with ABH pencil, for a more softer look I also use NYX Eyebrow Cake Powder The combo of these two have been the best for me.

       

    They stay on all day (do need to use primer for the powder) and I’ve even gone underwater and they stayed put! This combo is not for those that can’t angle their lines or shape their eyebrows well (especially from nothing), so know that going into it. NYX is known to be inexpensive and you can get their products pretty much anywhere. They also have a store front in the Gardens Mall so I discovered! 😀 I usually buy NYX at Ulta (Sephora does not sell NYX) but you can find them at CVS and Target. I think I pay $6-10 for the eyebrow powder??? Not sure though as it lasts me a LOOOONG time! I’d venture to say 6 months to a year.

So to wrap up my Real Fake News Today broadcast, I was pleasantly surprised walking into work today (rare event) when I noticed that a squirrel was following me from the garage to the entrance of my building. I would stop, she would stop. I looked back and she would come closer on her hind legs. I was so excited! I would TOTALLY let that little fucker stay in my office too! I bent down and looked through my lunch to see if I had anything to give her because holy shit she was cute! I found some cheese and broke it up into pieces and literally hand fed this little bundle of cuteness (and got rained on a bit) until the cheese ran out. When I was done, I walked away and she stared at me a bit before she ran up into a tree. My little heart melted! I do love squirrels! They’re like mini cats. ❤ ❤ ❤ That was my happy moment for the day.

Until next time.

ash

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